


Deadpool's Dating? What the...

by Ninjababe



Series: Deadpool's Dating? [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: And Tony's Language, Coulson's a bit of a bastard, Humor, I'm Bad At Titles, M/M, Rated for Deadpool's Language, but we still love him (Mostly)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-14 23:24:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4584114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninjababe/pseuds/Ninjababe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool's dating squeaky clean Peter Parker. SHIELD wants to keep an eye on that.</p><p>Or</p><p>Peter's adventures in Stark Industries</p><p>Or</p><p>Deadpool seems to be cheating on Peter Parker with Spiderman, and vice versa. Well, can it really be cheating if both know about it and are okay with it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even… Basically, I kept getting different scenes in my head, scribble them onto scraps of paper in my pocket, and this is what happened.
> 
> Not beta'd. Just looked it over a few times before posting.
> 
> I'm getting my Deadpool 'voice' from memory, his video game (I need to go finish that), and fanfic. Spiderman is based off of memory and fanfic. This just wouldn't let me go.

"And, then, your obviously unnatural waffle topping turns you into Radioactive Loganberry Man from Calliope Six!"

The giggles from the table where suddenly stopped by the shadow of a man in a dark suit standing over the booth.

"Wilson," the newcomer stated, no inflection in his voice, as he stared at Deadpool.

The 'Merc with a Mouth', his mask rolled up to the middle of his nose, quirked a grin, "Coulson, my man! Pull up a chair! Have some pancakes! Ignore the unnaturalness that is baby boy's plate. Blargh."

Staring at Deadpool's companion, Coulson ignored Wade's attempt to be sociable. "I'm here to ascertain that your companion is here of his own free will."

"Me?" The brunette asked, his brown eyes wide.

"Yes. Please come with me so we can talk in private." 

The young man got up. "Umm… Okay."

Leaving a pouting Deadpool at the table with his arms crossed, the two retreated a few tables away, where other men in suits were standing and staring, some with their hands not to subtly resting on the guns at their waists.

Coulson stared at the young man. "You are here of your own free will, correct? No coercion or blackmail?"

Sputtering, the guy nodded. "Yeah. Dude, we're on a date!"

"You're dating him!" One of the suits exclaimed.

"Your name?" Coulson asked, giving his subordinate a glare out of the side of his eye.

"I don't think I'll give it. I have no idea who you are."

"We're SHIELD kid," one of the agents said.

"I'm an adult," the guy replied with a glare. "Which means I can make my own decisions. We're doing nothing illegal."

"He's bad news," Coulson said, staring at the man.

The guy nodded. "Uh huh."

"Dangerous," Coulson continued.

"I could be dangerous too, you know," the guy stated.

Coulson gave the young man a look up and down, his eyebrows raised.

Huffing, the guy crossed his arms and looked away. "Consider me warned. Now, if you'll excuse me, my waffles are getting cold."

Watching the man stomp away, Coulson turned to his subordinates. "Do a face recognition match. I want to know everything about him."

Leaving the now sober couple, the SHIELD team returned to their office.

Three hours later, a thin folder labeled 'Peter Parker' was handed to Coulson. "Summarize it for me," Coulson ordered the agent that handed him the folder.

The woman nodded. "Peter Parker. Mid-twenties male, no criminal record, currently going for a bio-chemistry degree on a full scholarship. Former employment at the Daily Bugle, left because hours were interfering with his school work. A small trust fund set up for him from his uncle, deceased, pays for his studio apartment. A squeaky clean kid."

"Who's dating a homicidal maniac," Coulson muttered.

"He has improved in recent years."

"That we can prove," grumbled Coulson. "That will be all."

"Sir."

After the agent had left, Coulson mentally steeled himself and reached for his phone. "Stark. I need you to hire someone so we can subtly keep an eye on him."

=====

Time passes, as it usually did. Peter was ecstatic to be 'chosen' as that year's internship, based on the recommendation of one of his teachers, a former Stark employee. He spent most of his time in Doctor Banner's lab once he proved he knew what he was talking about, science wise.

Wade was delighted. Others were starting to see how smart his boy was, and it wasn't taking too much time away from cuddles.

=====

"Welcome to the assistants club," a voice stated behind Peter, who was busy tabulating results from that week's experiments.

"Umm… huh?" he eloquently replied as he turned around.

The young brunette woman adjusted her glasses and grinned wider. "I'm Darcy Lewis, and you're the newest assistant, so I welcome you to the assistant's club."

"I'm an intern."

"Who's doing assistant work. Therefore, assistant. And, I need someone here to talk to that isn't all 'Science? Science. Science? Science!!!!'," Darcy said, waving her hands around.

Looking confused, Peter replied, "But, I'm a bio-chem major."

"Horrors!" Darcy gasped, staggering back in shock. Then, recovering, she pointed to his tshirt. "However, the shirt at least says you have good taste in music."

"It is my favorite punk band," Peter replied with a grin. "My boyfriend can't stand them."

"Like I said, there's hope for you. Don't worry, I'll save you from the science!" Darcy stated, linking her arm with Peter's before dragging him off.

"Umm… my work?" Peter pointed out.

"JARVIS, if anyone asks, we're going out for coffee!" Darcy yelled at the ceiling.

"Noted, Ms. Lewis. And, as no breaks have been made yet, and it's almost lunch time, may I suggest you combine them and take a long lunch?" the AI replied from a nearby speaker.

"You're the best, J!" Darcy grinned as the elevator doors closed.

=====

A week later, yet another super-villian was trying to take over the world, starting with New York City, using his army of robots.

"If you're happy and you know it! Cut some robots up!" Deadpool yelled/sang as he destroyed robots left and right.

"Do you ever shut up!?" Iron Man growled over his external speaker as he blasted a group of robots.

"How many robots are you at Spidey?" Deadpool cooed, ignoring Iron Man.

"Fourty-two!" Spiderman replied as he flung a robot into a brick wall, using his webbing as a sling.

Both Spiderman and Deadpool yelled out at the same time, "Meaning of life!" before giggling.

"And, hah! I'm at fifty-three, snookums!" Deadpool added.

"I'll just have to catch up then." Spiderman replied as he crawled up a wall. "And, snookums? No."

Deadpool stopped attacking robots and put his hands, still holding his katanas, on his hips. "Come on! Honey bear?"

"Keep trying!" Spiderman said in a singsong voice as he disappeared over the roof of a nearby building.

Deadpool sighed. "Damn, that ass." Giving himself a shake, he went back to destroying robots.

Soon, there was nothing but scrap metal littering the ground, and the captured bad guy was driven away to a SHIELD prison facility.

Deadpool and Spiderman were leaning against each other. "A good reason to work with SHIELD..." Spiderman stated.

Deadpool cocked his head like a puppy. "Yeah?"

"They clean up the mess."

"I could kiss you! I will kiss you! Just not here," Deadpool replied.

"Wade, I thought you were dating Mister Parker," Captain America stated as he came near.

"I am." Deadpool said with an empathic nod.

"Then, what is this?"

Spiderman gave himself a little shake. "I know about Peter, Peter knows about me. We know what we're doing. Leave it."

Captain America frowned. "I don't think I can."

"Mmmmm… Threesome," Deadpool growled.

Spiderman snorted and smacked his boyfriend's shoulder as he stood under his own power. "Mind to at least the upper reaches of the gutter. I'll catch you later."

"See ya, love bug!" Deadpool said, waving to his boyfriend as he swung away.

"Keep trying!" was Spiderman's parting comment as he disappeared into New York's skyline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so glad to get Coulson and Peter's convo at the beginning over… If I had to write 'the guy' one more time…
> 
> 'Radioactive Loganberry Man from Calliope Six!' is from an actual conversation between myself and my best friend at IHOP.
> 
> And, yet again, Darcy wormed her way into my story… Damn it, girl!


	2. Chapter 2

Coulson walked into the Stark Industries lab that Peter was working in. "Spiderman."

Looking up from a spreadsheet, Peter replied, "Awesome!"

"I'm sorry?" Coulson blinked.

"We're not doing word association?"

"No, the fact that he says he's Deadpool's boyfriend. I thought you were his boyfriend."

"Oh!" Peter shrugged. "Yeah, we share the love that is Deadpool. Spiderman's great."

"Then, you can tell us who he is?"

Peter shook his head, looking pensive. "I've never seen Spiderman without his mask on. Sorry. We don't interact much. I wouldn’t tell you anyway."

"You're both dating Wilson, and are okay with that?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't we be?"

Coulson shook his head and left the lab.

=====

"Tacos, tacos, tacos!" Wade sang in between chomping on his taco.

"Crime fighting followed by dinner," Spiderman replied, a grin on his face. "You come up with the best dates."

"Only for my Spidey Widey!"

"Umm… No… Keep trying," Spiderman replied.

The next twenty minutes were spent eating Mexican food and trying to come up with an acceptable endearment for Spiderman.

"Here comes SHIELD," Spiderman sighed as he pulled down his mask and brushed taco crumbs off his spandex outfit.

"Sooner or later, they'll give up," Deadpool replied, spraying pieces of taco from his full mouth.

Shaking his head, Spiderman flung out a web. "See you at your apartment," he said before swinging away.

Wade glared at Coulson as the agent finished climbing to the roof. "What do you want?"

"Spiderman's identity."

"You expect me to tell you who Spidey is? You're smoking the good stuff. And, you're not even sharing!"

With that, Deadpool stood on the edge of the building, gave a salute, then gave Coulson the finger before jumping backwards off the building.

=====

Even though the club was packed, there was a circle of bare space in the center surrounding three people dancing. Two were normal looking, a young male and female. The third was Deadpool, in his full costume, a pair of katanas on his back and a gun on each hip.

A stream of SHIELD agents entered the club, turning off the music and ushering the patrons and staff to leave.

The three in the middle of the room huffed and crossed their arms. Looking from side to side, the female giggled, setting the other two off.

"Darcy Lewis, what are you doing?" Coulson demanded as he approached the three.

"Clubbing with friends," Darcy replied in a 'duh' tone of voice.

"Deadpool?!"

"Sarcastic!" Darcy replied.

"He's not doing word association," Peter Parker replied.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Oh… well, yeah, Deadpool."

Coulson looked grim. "You know Deadpool?"

"Well, duh," Darcy stated. "We're friends on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!"

"I'm starting to develop a complex," Deadpool growled. "I can't date my boys, or even have a relaxing evening with friends, without your goons stomping in and ruining everything. Peter, I say we move!"

"To where?" Peter asked, looking intrigued.

Deadpool paused then raised a finger triumphantly. "Somewhere that SHIELD won't bother us!"

"So, another reality?" Darcy asked.

"Oh, I know!" Deadpool clapped his hands in glee. "The Savage Land! Do you want to play with pretty dinosaurs, Baby Boy?"

Peter shuddered. "Not since we marathoned the Jurassic movies. No thanks."

"I'll save you from the evil dinos!" Deadpool exclaimed heroically.

Sighing, Darcy held out her hand. "'Pool, give me three hundred dollars."

Shrugging, Wade put his hand down his pants and dug around. Taking a roll of bills from his crotch, he pulled off three one hundred dollar bills and offered them to Darcy.

Quickly grabbing a cocktail napkin, Darcy used it to take the money from Deadpool's hand and went to the bar. Pulling out a bottle of expensive whiskey, she left the money, still wrapped in the cocktail napkin, in it's place. "Now, let's blow this joint." Pausing to look at the suddenly bouncing, happy mercenary, she continued, "Not literally! Let's leave and drink this bottle of booze. Then, I'll happily sigh while you two make out."

"Peter! She ships us!" Deadpool squealed.

"We're not done here!" Coulson exclaimed.

"Oh, we so are," Peter growled turning to glare at Coulson.

"Damn, he's hot when he's mad," Deadpool whispered to Darcy, who nodded in agreement before taking a pull from the bottle of alcohol.

"Go on ahead," Peter waved to his boyfriend and friend. "I'll catch up."

Wade and Darcy shared a look before nodding. "If you don't show up within a half hour, I’m burning the city down," Deadpool growled as Darcy dragged him from the building.

Turning to Coulson, Peter snarled. "You hound my boyfriend at every turn, You randomly show up at my place of work to interrogate me, now you've ruined multiple dates. What the hell is your problem?!"

Coulson glared back. "He's a homicidal maniac. We're keeping an eye on you so we can help you when he finally cracks."

"Keeping an eye on me?" Peter said softly, his eyes narrowed. "How are you keeping..." Peter stopped and looked horrified. "You're the reason I got the internship at Stark Industries without applying for it."

Coulson took a half step back before realizing he had given away the intrigue.

Growling, Peter stalked out of the club.

Just before Deadpool’s deadline, Peter entered the apartment he shared with Wade. "I’m quitting at Stark Industries."

Darcy, who was nursing her bottle of booze, gasped. "What? Why?"

"I was hired so they could keep an eye on my boyfriend! They told me if I was good enough, when I graduated, I could work full time for Stark Industries. My dream job… Turned to dust."

Wade grabbed his boyfriend and hugged him close. “Let’s destroy SHIELD, baby boy!”

Peter shook his head, “That’ll kind of validate their claims about you.”

Standing up, and swaying slightly, Darcy growled. "We'll see about that!"

Blinking, the two men watched Darcy stomp from the apartment.

"Should we let her go in her condition?" Peter asked, his voice muffled against Wade's throat.

"Eh… She's a BAMF. She'll be fine," Wade said with a shrug as he pulled his lover towards their bedroom. “Let’s have sex.”

Peter decided not to ask what a 'BAMF' meant since they were heading towards bed.

=====

"Rat bastard!" Darcy exclaimed as she slammed into Coulson's office. "A science geek who got my refs! And, you fired him!"

Coulson reared back. "I’m not 'firing' him. He’s quitting."

"He quit a job that was perfect for him. Only because you created it so you can keep an eye on his sugar baby!"

"Darcy, are you drunk?" Coulson asked.

"It doesn't matter. You ruined my life!"

"How did I ruin your life?" Coulson asked, his eyebrows raised.

Darcy sighed. "I had a great thing going with the assistants club. Peter was perfect! He knew the science, but got my pop culture references. And, you went and ruined it!!"

Coulson pinched his nose. "And, how shall I fix it?"

"I have no idea… but do it… damn it!" Darcy exclaimed before stomping out of the room.

A few moments later, she stomped back in. “And, go home, damn it! It’s too late for you to be working!”

With a slam of the door, Coulson’s office was again quiet.

=====

Coulson looked up to find Bruce Banner slamming the door to his office open the next morning, and sighed.

"You!" Doctor Banner growled.

"Umm… yes?" Coulson replied, automatically adjusting his suit shirt collar.

"You caused my best intern to quit!" Banner continued to growl. “I don’t care how or why you convinced Tony to hire him, but he’s brilliant. You will get him back, or..."

Coulson actually gulped before nodding. “I’ll see what I can do.”

=====

Nothing seemed to work. Parker wasn’t accepting his phone calls, visits to his apartment were met with silence, visits to Deadpool’s apartment was met with a gun to his face. Even Spiderman was ignoring the SHIELD agent.

=====

“You done fucked up,” Tony pointed out gleefully when Coulson showed up to ask for Pepper’s help.

“Royally,” Pepper added with raised eyebrows. “I’ve only met Mr. Wilson a few times, and I know he’s gone on Peter and Spiderman.”

“Wait... Wait…” Tony looked confused. “How did you meet Deadpool?”

Pepper smiled from behind her cup of coffee. “He took the ‘assistants club’ to lunch. And, he insisted I go too, even though I’m no longer an assistant.”

“He’s a menace,” Coulson growled.

“So is Tony on no sleep,” Pepper pointed out.

Tony looked indignant. “Hey!”

“If he was such a menace, his boyfriends wouldn’t be with him. Both Peter and Spiderman have a strong moral compass,” Pepper continued as if Tony hadn’t interrupted. “That being said, we’ll fix your little mess.” Putting down her coffee, she led Coulson to the door of the penthouse suite. “After all, he may have been hired under less-than-true pretenses, but he’s a great asset to my company.”

“My company!” Tony exclaimed as Coulson left.

Pepper sighed and waved towards the New York skyline. “Then, go get him back.”

=====

Hearing a heavy knock on the apartment door, Peter called out. “Door!”

“Why can’t you get it?” Deadpool called out from the depths of his apartment.

“Studying!”

Grumbling, Wade stomped to the door. Staring for a moment, he sighed and stood back. “I think it’s for you baby boy. I’m sure Iron Britches wouldn’t be house calling me.”

Iron Man stomped into the apartment and waited for Wade to close the door behind him.

Wade gave a little scream as Iron Man lifted his face plate.

“What? What?” Peter asked, coming over from the book and paper strewn dining table.

“Oh thank god,” Wade said, his hand over his heart. “It’s only Tony Stark.”

“Who else would I be?” Tony growled.

“Tentacle beast. Different universe,” was all Wade would say as he wandered off with a shudder. “Yell if you need help hiding the body.”

“Thanks!” Peter called out as he turned to Tony. “Why are you here?”

“I’ve been ordered by the CEO of my company to ask you to come back to work,” Tony replied tonelessly.

“Get a raise!” Wade called from the back of the apartment. “A big one!”

“I don’t get paid for internship!” Peter called back before turning to Tony. “And, why should I? It was a fake internship just so SHIELD could keep an eye on my boyfriend.”

“Look, if I didn’t think you were brilliant, I would’ve put you in the mail room, not let you shack up with Banner.”

“He what the what now?” Wade yelled as ran into the living room, a katana in one hand and a cleaning cloth in the other.

“It’s only science, baby,” Peter replied with a roll of his eyes.

“Oh. Science,” Wade nodded before he headed back down the hall. “We love science. As long as it was only science.”

Tony looked pleading. “Come back to work? Please? Banner’s pouting, Lewis is pouting, which is making Foster pout. Pepper is even pouting. Yes, the job started as a request from Agent Agent, but when I saw how brilliant you are, I had to have you.”

“Science!” Peter yelled down the hall. The sound of pounding footsteps stopped and stomped away.

Taking a deep breath, Peter nodded. “Fine. I’ll come back. But, only if SHIELD leaves me, Wade, and Spiderman alone.”

“Deal. I’ll let Agent know.” Tony looked pleased as he let himself out.

“We’re going to be rich!” Wade crowed as he came back into the room.

“You’re already rich,” Peter pointed out. “And, I still don’t get paid until I graduate.”

Wade pouted. “Damn it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the… Iron Man to the rescue? Tony, I’ve already had one hijacker of this story, it doesn’t need another. That said, yay Tony! Science! The 'Tony at Wade’s apartment' scene just made me giggle...
> 
> And, then, Pepper wanted in on it. Sigh... I thought the whole MCU was going to end up in this story before it ended. Actually... They almost did… wow… I just need a few more to do it. But, no. Not doing it. Nope.
> 
> Even though... Thor and Clint and Wade go into a bar... bwahahahaha.
> 
> I was going to put in a bit where Spiderman’s identity is discovered, but it went Die Hard very quickly and got very long. Which didn’t really fit in the story here, since this is a bunch of shorter scenes. I’ll leave that on my hard drive to see what comes of it…
> 
> So, yeah… I’m ending it there… for now. These characters were so fun to write, I may revisit them :)


End file.
